everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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