Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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