you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you have to choose: penises or morals?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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