I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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