i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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