I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
