He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
