So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
