Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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