My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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