I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cannot find my penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
