i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
