What did we do last night that was yellow?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
