So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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