Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's rum buckets o'clock
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
