what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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