So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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