Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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