farters have to be the big spoon...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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