i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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