I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize