Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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