We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
