you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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