dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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