My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
