ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think i have two assholes
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
