nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
