It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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