Girls should come with a carfax report
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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