Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
