Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My cat gives me a boner
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
