I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
