You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if only i could text you this smell
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
