The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
