I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
