It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
