i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
