it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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