The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize