nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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