So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
