Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She bit a glass in half.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
