Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
