my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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