I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
