what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
