Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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