it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
