my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
