We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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