if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
