Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
