I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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