u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
