I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
