I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
