1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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