If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
