You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize