He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You are the jesus of drinking
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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