yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
