I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
