on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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