come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize