i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
