I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
