I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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