jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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