My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
