What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you made out with another girl for some wings
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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