They should really pass out barf bags in church
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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